Imgoingtobeokay

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It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.

2015 India

What were your feelings about doing the abortion/s?

I've said it all.

How did you do the abortion?

It worked. That's all I care about.

What was your situation at this time?

Benze ntoni abanye abantu xa ukhupha isisu?

Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.

legal/illegal

What is your religion?

Fernanda

Escrevo esse depoimento por intermédio do meu parceiro e por mim, que passamos…

Katie

Nie klasyczna wpadka. Brane pigulki nie zadzialaly. Za duzy miks z innymi…

Anna K.

nie żałuję,

Francis

Una decisión consciente de vida

F. B

Vivi 2 meses em um pesadelo

Jay

I had a medical abortion when i was 18 years old at 5 weeks pregnant. Yes, it…

gladys

yo aborte ayer y aca estoy,un dia despues, contando mi experiencia para quien…

Issabela

Doloroso pero libre

Dana Bronte

Muerte de un ángel.

Val

Am I a horrible person

Ale

Muy difícil decisión

Jordan

The reviews were scary and I was afraid of what would happen when I took the…

Chabrelle Biloa

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Aisling

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Isabelle

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Bobbie

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