Imgoingtobeokay

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It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.

2015 India

What were your feelings about doing the abortion/s?

I've said it all.

How did you do the abortion?

It worked. That's all I care about.

What was your situation at this time?

உங்கள் கருக்கலைப்புக்கு மற்றவர்கள் எவ்வாறு பதிலளித்தனர்?

Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.

legal/illegal

What is your religion?

Cs

Porque la situación lo requería

Carolina Posso

I had an abortion porque me sentía sola, sentía que todo el mundo se iba a…

Cindy Rios

Yo aborte porque no estaba en el momento adecuado para tener un hijo, mi madre…

Izabela

Mam 20 lat i zupełnie nie byłam przygotowana na ciąże.
Ja i mój chłopak…

Mary Adler

Saya hamil 7minggu. Saya seorang muslim dan pacar saya seorang yang menganut…

Violet

la verdad nunca paso por mi mente que a mi me sucedería algo así, siempre pensé…

xxx xxx

znów mogę cieszyć się życiem...

Raquel

Perdón a mis angelitos!

Lu

Y aunque todos los días piense que podría haber sido, fue la mejor decisión…

Aleja

Yo aborte. No fue una decisión fácil. No entraré en detalles del porqué tome la…

Lucy Smith

It was never going to be easy

มานี ชูใจ

ฉันมีปัญหาหลายด้านไม่ว่าจะเป็นเรื่องครอบครัว การเงิน…

miriam la desesperacion

Con cytotex Y aun no se si fue lo mejor, pero era necesario

Ale

Muy difícil decisión

Irina

Cuando miro para atrás, más se afirma la certeza de que hice lo correcto.

Dani

Because I NEEDED TO DO IT!
Some may say I was selfish, other may say I'm going…

Kate

and I'm so relieved

P

...Lo quería pero no podía

Agata

Jestem już przeszło 3 miesiące po aborcji farmakologicznej wykonanej w 6 tc. W…