Imgoingtobeokay

Share your story

It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.

2015 India

I've said it all.

It worked. That's all I care about.

How did other people react to your abortion?

Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.

Maree

It was sad but necessary

Ruth

Zaczełao sie (wiadomo) od dwóch kresek i przerażenia. Szukałam możliwości…

A alexandra

Mi futuro, mi familia

Daniela

No era el momento, no me arrepiento.

laMaga

Pense en el bienestar de los 2

Maru

Se puede acceder de forma legal

Alice

This is how it went for me

Nadia

Le habia escrito una blanca cancion del amor entre una nube y un pez volador.

Madison

Una lucha constante.

CJ Koivuniemi

I had an abortion. I was twenty years old and living in Ireland, a country…

Carolina

Tenía 19 años. Estaba en una relación. Al mes de ponernos de novios me contó…

Cristina

No fue bueno pero fue lo mejor.