Imgoingtobeokay

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It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.

2015 India

I've said it all.

It worked. That's all I care about.

How did other people react to your abortion?

Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.

María

Mirar hacia adelante.

Constanza Arely

El ser madre debe ser una decisión, una de las mejores experiencias que vive…

Sofia Ignatius

I had abortion n all went well

mery elizabeth

tomando la decisión de mi vida

Gaby

Força, tudo que precisa!

Agata

Jestem już przeszło 3 miesiące po aborcji farmakologicznej wykonanej w 6 tc. W…

P

...Lo quería pero no podía

raay

Com 17 semanas, sem dores nem complicações . Eu engravidei numa recaida, tomei…

Carol .

Acabei de começar minha carreira, não quero ser mãe nesse momento

Saraith saraith

Perdoneme mi bebe, te amare siempre!

Vittoria

Me siento vacía ...

Dominika

Aborcja w samotności
Głupia byłam. Mój chłopak zawsze się kontrolował, ponoć…

Cacau

O aborto é uma escolha apenas da MULHER.

Ary

Yo he abortado 4 veces.

laMaga

Pense en el bienestar de los 2

L

My abortions defined my life choices for decades