Your a strong women!
2018 United Kingdom
What were your feelings about doing the abortion/s?
A few weeks before Christmas I started feeling very different, noticing things that I haven't felt before I told my best friend but she insisted that it was a late period but I knew that wasnt the case. My parents went through a rough time and were no longer together and I was living with my dad, I finally found the courage to speak to my mum about it one day so she got me a test, I found out I was pregnant on boxing day and I broke down in tears, I didn't know what to do or how to tell my boyfriend we had only been together for 3 month's and he was the first person I had slept with. I was scared but every night I lied there talking to my baby, I got attached, I named it Rosie, she made me feel safe and happy, my head was all over the place and when I was alone I wanted to go through with the pregnancy but when someone was giving my advice like my best friend I had to make a decision. My boyfriend came round and he knew something was wrong, I lied there just cuddling him, I told him to close his eyes and I handed him the pregnancy test, he looked at me and I had to leave I felt I was going to be sick, I got back into bed and we cuddled, he didn't open his eyes once and tears just kept falling on to the pillow, we didn't wanna talk but we knew we had too. Later that night my mum came round to see me, she had been drinking. We talked and she kept telling me how she knows I could be the bestest mum and she would help me all the way through it, I knew that in my head but I just couldn't openly come to terms with it, my dad screamed my name from down stairs but my mum didn't let me go, I heard him repeatedly saying to my mum is she pregnant! Is she pregnant!? I went down and told him, he was angry, disappointed in me but still came over to give me a hug and a kiss and told me everything was gonna be okay no matter how angry he was. The next week went by and I knew I had to make a decision, my mum kept saying I needed to make a decision knowing she wanted me to keep it, my dad didn't think the time was right, my boyfriend was scared, he wasn't ready to be a dad we both were living with our parents with no job... But every night I went to bed I would cuddle my stomach, close my eyes and imagine what could be but the next morning I would wake up to reality.. I told my mum my decision and she acted okay but I knew she wasn't, we went to the doctor's to get an appointment at an abortion clinic, a few days later I was there sitting in the reception waiting, everything's abit of a blur, I didn't talk much. I had my scan and I was 7 weeks pregnant, I thought I was alot further than that. I did what I did and went through with it, I lied there on the bed with pills beside me and I put on my gloves and did it, by the time I can vaguely remember everything I was on the train back, I remember looking out of the window it felt like 2 minutes but by the time I had blinked my 2 hour train journey was done, I wiped away two tears from my face and walked home with my mum, I went straight to my room and waited, the consistent non stop bleeding started to happen and the sharp cramps too, I remember sitting on the toilet rocking back and fourth feeling like something was ripping through my stomach. I went down to the kitchen where my mum was and lied on the floor as it was cold, I started crying in pain and my mum lied next to me, i couldn't stay still. I lied there knowing what was happening, I'm so sorry Rosie. I ran to the toilet and felt a tiny push. I cried and cried and cried till my eyes were red raw, till I couldn't physically breathe anymore looking at my precious baby and what I had done, I talked to her and then I stayed silent for her, I didn't want to let her go, my dad came home from work knowing what the 16th of January 2017 ment for me. My mum had to take my out of the bathroom after an hour or two and my dad took me down the stairs and sat me on the sofa he took my head underneath his arm and squeezed so tight till the flush was done. That night was the hardest night of my life I screamed myself to sleep knowing what use to make me feel safe and happy I had destroyed for my selfish needs. At this point onwards was the hardest year for me. The regret in my head when I woke up and went to sleep, the feeling I shouldn't be on this earth anymore for what I have done I started calling myself a murderer, any option to alcohol was a yes no matter what for me, I would come home screaming at my dad for making me believe I couldn't of been a mum yet and that my best friend wanted me to have a good life and experience different places and all the plans we had were saved for killing my baby, and my boyfriend who tried to fight everything he was feeling and kept it into himself day in and day out when really I needed someone to feel anything like how I was feeling, I didn't want to feel alone, angry, guilty and numb anymore. I started writing about what I went through, my mum works at a doctor's and told her friend, she's very religious and a lovely women, she sent me a letter, it made me realise everyone had there opinions and I can't be angry at them for that as I know they love me and are doing the best for me, I started applying for jobs again, I wanted to be happy! I got a new job and made so many friends, I was seeing people everyday instead of isolating myself in my room day in and day out, I was finally getting to that point where I was going to be okay, a year later here I am today on the 16th of January 2019. There's not a day that goes past that I don't think of my Rosie, I'm still with my boyfriend, my best friend is still there for me after 9 years and I couldn't of done it without my mum and dad, parents try and make the bestest decisions for you in your life and I am so sorry dad for the way I treated you through my own pain, you have been my rock. I was very depressed and had very bad thoughts that I didn't wanna be on this earth anymore. Life would've been very different for me if I went through with the pregnancy but everything happens for a reason. There will come a day where we will meet again Rosie. I love you. It's been 1 year today and in them 365 days I am so proud which side I come out through. Back then I could of gone down a very very bad route but I couldn't of done it without my parents, my boyfriend and my best friend, I love you all and if your reading this through an abortion I want you to know you are not alone! I've been at my lowest point ever this year feeding myself these horrible thoughts I couldn't get away from and calling my self these names and what I did but I woke up, I did it for a reason and always never forget that reason!! That's where you can lose yourself and become someone you aren't. Please don't lose yourself the way I did because I know now abortions are not easy and are very difficult to some women but we are all so strong!! My words for abortion: Necassary- it can be okay to do this. Scary- a very difficult and bumpy road to go down. Hurtful- The regret and guilt can break away at you day by day Opinion- Everyone has a right!! Pain- no matter what choice it's a painful decision. Decision- Life changing. Every women that has gone through an abortion and felt the pain I just want you to know that you are strong no matter what people may tell you or what your thoughts feed you, you are loved and there will come a day when you realise what you have gone through, be proud of the women you are and the decision you made because it had a reason. Tears still fall Rosie, you was my butterfly and I let you go, a day won't and still hasn't gone by where I don't think of you but it will get easier. 16th January 2019❤️
How did you do the abortion?
The nurses were great but it was a very lonely, difficult and painful experience for me.
What was your situation at this time?
My future, I wasn't ready. It was a rough time in my life as it was. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 months and we were terrified. I was unemployed. I was 17 and scared.
How did other people react to your abortion?
It was a mixture of opinions and feelings from the handful of people I told.