october

Only my boyfriend and my sister knew. My boyfriend supported me all the way, my sister's reaction when I told her about my pregnancy was surprising, she took it very calmly. I told her that I cannot raise a child yet since I have so many goals in life, she asked me to think it over. She even offered to just adobt the baby. I said that I already made up my mind to have my child aborted. She supported me and was the person who accompanied me to the clinic where I had my abortion.

The waiting, from the day i found out that i was pregnant to the day of my surgery, was the most painful part. the uncertainty about what will happen to me, the questions i had about the surgical procedure, the fear, the endless sleepless nights - were enough to make one weak and just want to disappear. But it is fascinating how strong a woman's heart is. we are created to endure the most painful of heartaches. you have to be strong. because, believe me when i say that this too shall pass. It will get better soon. you have to be strong, and firm with your decision.

initially, i planned to have a medical abortion since it was less invasive. but since the package did not reach me on time and I had to leave for Canada. I was already too far off so i just decided to have it done surgically. Again, the waiting time for me was the most difficult part because my mind kept on asking so many questions about the surgery.

On the day of my surgery, I found that the clinic was comfy, there were about 10 women waiting to have surgical too. some were crying at the waiting area, which made me more nervous. i first filled out medical forms, after 30 minutes i had my ultrasound done, after another 30 minutes i met with a counselor where i talked about my fears and questions. 5 minutes later i was already asked to change and to go to the procedure room.

an IV was injected, i didnt feel drowsy. and the 2 women doctors came in and introduced themselves. they started working on me right away. I thought they would slowly explain to me what was going on down there but the just said that theyl insert a speculum, i felt moderate pressure, then the doctor said that she was already injecting me with the local anesthesia. i did not feel a thing, but i cried. not because of the pain or pressure but because it was going too fast. i didnt even have time to count. after saying that that was the last shot of anesthesia she quickly turned on the vacuum suction, i didnt feel anything too. after about 3 pumps, it was done. the surgery was over in about 3 minutes. i felt ok and fine to leave already but they told me to wait in the recovery room.

i walked to the recovery room, where they gave me 3 biscuits and a glass of apple juice. placed a heating pad in my tummy. it was then that i felt some cramps but they already gave me pain medicines so it was just mild cramping. the nurse asked to me check my pad, it was already bleeding. i felt ok to leave. i was in the recovery room for about 15 minutes.

i am sorry for thinking about myself first and not giving you a chance. please understand that i have so many things to do first, and i feel that i cannot do them if i have to take care of you.

so now im sending you back to heaven and I'll let the angels take care of you first because i know that they'll do a better job. I hope they send you back to mommy and daddy someday, when they are already ready. we'll watch movies together, i'll buy you icecream whenever you feel sad. ill be there to watch all your piano recitals and ill be there to cheer for you whenever you enter a school competition. and whenver i look into your eyes ill be reminded of the time when i had to let you go because i wasnt ready. ill be sorry, but by that time i will already make up for all my faults.

im so sorry. ill pray for you everyday. i love you

nervous