Phalicia

I chose to have my abortion by myself. I could not afford to pay for a medical abortion, and neither could my boyfriend. He and my sister were the only people that knew about it while it was going on. I was 14 weeks when I finally got the pills, and the first attempt failed. I tried again and had the thing in the toilet. It was about three inches long at that point and had spindly little arms that I will never forget as long as I live. I was a coward and flushed it without looking at it again--I regret not saying goodbye or something. I with I could have looked again. I immediately called my boyfriend, who was two hours away. Meanwhile, I carried on life as normally as I could. I finally broke down. I needed some sort or support, some consolation. I told my mother, and she was very upset that I did not go to her. I was about to start college and knew that having a baby would ruin my life. Also, my mother was a teen mother and encouraged my sisters and myself to wait until we were older to have sex. I had been with my boyfriend for about three years at the time. Unfortunately, I got pregnant again and had another abortion my first year of college. Since this, I have become more and more depressed. I am terrified that I won't be able to have children in the future, and I regret not having my babies. I would have a 15 month old and a 4 month old right now. While I know I did the right thing for my boyfriend and myself, I am still very guilty about the whole situation. My only hope is that I did not do any permanent damage to my body. I would be absolutely devestated if by throwing away my two children I ruined any chance of having more.