Mishell

The reaction of Doctors has varied depending on the clinic.

The first time I had an abortion I was dealing with depression and I had been medicated for years. The Doctors treated me like I didn't have the ability to make a decision for myself.

When I told the second Doctor that I didn't feel capable of being a parent she offered me counselling and support services, like I might change my mind if someone helped me deal with my fear.

The third Doctor made me feel like I needed to jusitfy why I
wanted it done. That I couldn't just make a decision, I had to explain why and prove that I had a good enough reason.

The fourth was absolutely alarmed at my history and wanted to
make sure I had to find an effective method of birth control before I deserved an abortion. She made me feel bad about myself and like I was a horrible person. I had nightmares about it for the last 3 weeks. She referred me to another Doctor who just accepted it as fact - that is what I was going to do. It was the easiest reaction to my request and I now feel better.

The first three abortions were surgical. I found the surgery the hardest part. Each time they said "Now you will go to sleep and then we will spread you legs...." They are the only words I heard each time. After that the panic would set in and I would feel completely violated. I hated the idea that they were doing
to do things to my body and I wouldn't get to monitor them and make sure they didn't disrespect my body. I hated it and found it the hardest part. Harder than finding out I was pregnant and harder than any decision making process.

This time I am having a medical abortion. I took the first pill and I now only have to wait 24-72 hours to take the next. My Doctor tried to discourage me because it would mean more hospital visits for check ups than a surgical method but I am happy this is what I am doing. I don't feel violated.

I don't think I am doing the wrong thing by having an abortion. I don't feel like I am killing anything, even though some people will disagree and I don't struggle with my decision or mourn any child.

I terminated all pregnancies within 8 weeks, 3 of them by 5 weeks. I am married and have been in a relationship for 6 years. I have a problem that causes my body to not be able to tolerate the contraceptive pill. When on the pill I get Urinary Tract Infections every month that have led to bladder infections and painful bleeding when I urinate so I have had to stop it. I never want children. I want to get my tubes tied (tubal ligation) but Doctors refuse to do this because they believe I will change my mind when I am older. They have in the past not been willing to allow me to use a IUD so I have had to rely on the Billings method (similar to the rythm method) and using an ovulation test kit.

Now my Doctor is willing to let me get an IUD. I am glad because I don't want to get pregnant ever again and I don't want to have to deal with another abortion. I hate the feeling of my body being out of my control or taken over by something I don't want.

I have been made to feel so irresponsible by Doctors and some of the people I have told. They act like it has been a failure on my account for getting pregnant and that it is a big deal. I feel guilty for my partner getting upset and feeling like it is his fault. I feel afraid that there could be complications and I could die. I have felt like I have deserved to have bad things happen to me due to the abortion because I shouldn't have fallen pregnant. After the third abortion it took me a year and a half to have an orgasm again because I was so afraid of falling pregnant I couldn't enjoy sex with my husband. I have felt angry at my body for betraying me and falling pregnant against my will.

I have at the end of the day been so relieved that it is all over. I have never had second thoughts.