Illegal Wife

I had an abortion. I was almost 2 months when I took the pregnancy test. I was really depressed that time knowing that I still have a 1 year old son to feed. I have a partner but we are not married, I told him I was pregnant but I didn't like his reactions. As for me, I put all the blame in myself ( as if I am only the one who is responsible for being pregnant ) so I decided to remove the baby inside me. I took cytotec only at first attempt but no luck. Second attempt, I tried it (cytotec) with Mefirestone ( I don't know if I get the spelling correctly ), but no luck. Now, I am past 9 weeks so abortions through medicine will not work for me. I ask my friend whom I also buy the cytotec if she know someone who knows how to remove the child and she said yes. I was really really desperate that time, I do have mix emotions and thinking what if the abortion will not be a successfull one. So i lay all my trust to the person who will do the abortion. The operation was painful. I felt like being scratch with a knife inside. I want to cry that time but I can't, thinking that everything will be over after this. After the abortion, I was numb. I never imagine I could do this on my own baby. The only person who knew what I have done is my live-in partner. In our house, they thought I do have abdomenal cramps since I was bleeding the day after the operation. I don't have plans on telling them, but I know God see everything from the start. To my dear child, Mommy loves you BUT I cant fulfill my duties as your mom if ever you came out to this world. I know you are in heaven now. I love you.