Georgia Nicholson

I didn't tell my family and still haven't - although I do intend to at some point. It would have been too much of a worry for my mother and yes, I did worry about being a disappointment. It was a bizzarre feeling because I knew i was pregnant weeks before I had the courage to do the test, I knew there was something living in my body as it felt different, I felt the urge to protect my own body innately and unconsciously I'd stopped drinking and the smell of cigarette smoke made me ill so I'd stopped smoking, a habit I'd never been able to quit before.
I did the test on christmas day and the first reaction I felt was excitement, a rush of adrenline quickly followed by disbelief. I couldn't buy another test because it was the holidays so I had an agonising wait before I could confirm it was postive. The whole of christmas I kept face in front of my family but inside I was tormented. I hadn't planned to tell my bolyfriend so soon but he guessed by my voice over the telephone something was wrong with me (he'd stayed with his family across the country for the holidays). He was incredibly supportive if not a little overawed, he was giggling about it when we first met up but the giggles were pure nerves on his behalf. The feeling you get is one of 'wow' mixed with, 'oh, shit - i can't believe this', but never do you forget that first feeling of vitalness when you realise you have a growing embryo inside you. Bad or good, it's still vital and you feel alive intensely like never before.
My boyfriend wanted to be a 'good guy' but it was obvious he didn't want to have a child, despite me being almost two months pregnant he was adamant the foetus was still a 'blob of jelly' and regarded it as such. Because I could feel it living in my own body the idea of destroying it made me feel physcially sick. I blamed my boyfriend; I blamed him for getting me pregnant, I blamed him for me having concieved the child and I hated it for the fact he wasn't as upset as me. I wanted him to cry and break down so he could share the burden but to him it was a 'problem to overcome', rather than a growing baby. That hurt more than anything, yet I knew underneath the selfishness he was right. I still couldn't help stroking my belly and imagining the impossible though. It was a dichotomy of feeling - on the one hand, I had these notions of glorified motherhood and having a wonderful child with my boyfriend, yet I had a deeper, more natural instinct that the feelings I felt were 'make-believe', and the reality was a lot harder. Still I enjoyed the feelings of being pregnant and the daydreams of babies. In hindsight I believe those strong maternal feelings were the result of the hormones and the nurturing instinct that kicks in as soon as you know you're pregnant. Now it seems obsurd I harboured such notions, as I'm not really maternal in the slightest and my boyfriend and I have only been together 13 months. When you're pregnant, your mind goes a bit 'crazy'. But your instincts are hardly ever wrong.
My university and career are vital to me and it was unrealistic to keep the child (i've just turned 20 years old), so I booked the abortion and honestly, truthly, the surgical procedure itself it wasn't that bad. Far worse was the medical consultation with a nurse I had to enndure three days before the abortion. I was ushered into a crowded room and the entire thing felt utterly demoralising. That was the lowest ebb for me personally. They took a scan of my belly and the 'scanner' (I call her a scanner for want of a better term) literally pulled down my trousers, threw me on the bed, ran the equipment over me and booted me out for the nextwaiting girl. The doctor was had a strong Indian accent I couldn't understand which was confusing.
If you're scared about the procedure don't be - it's not as bad as you'll imagine it to be. In ways I'm glad I had the surgical option of abortion rather than the medical, I was in theatre for maybe half an hour and that was end of it in many ways. In a very surreal, dark way there was almost an element of humour I took away from my abortion - when they wheeled me into the theatre the theme tune from 'Flashdance' was playing on the radio, the opening bars of 'What A Feeeling' was wafting round my ears as I had my legs bound in stirrups ready for my termination. Dark, dark humour indeed.
I knew mine was a right decision, yet I'd be lying if I said I didn't ever think about it. I had my abortion fice days ago exactly and if I wasn't thinking about it, why would be online writing this for you now? It never leaves you, forget it if you'll think you'll walk away from this and forget. You never will. I considered getting a tattoo after the prodecure of a little white lilly on my stomach as a reminder of what had happened, as if I had gone through with the full pregnancy I would have named my little girl Lily. But now there's no point, as there's little chance I'll forget what happened. My boyfriend thinks I'm mad, he wants to move on and so do I... but I know that the scars will stay forever and I'll never forget Lily. She was still a baby in my eyes and even though she's not here and I never knew her, she's never be far from my thoughts.

Reading this you may consider that perhaps I made the wrong decision, maybe I should have contiued the full term of my pregnancy. What I'll tell you is this, You Are More Of A Person Than The Foetus You Lost. Consider yourself first as you are living, breathing, beautiful. I feel like my life's just started all over again and in many ways I feel elated for this fresh, new start - but it came at a price and I'll never forget that.