Sam

I had two. The first one, when i was 17. I was seeing a man who was far older than me, had told me his gf and he had split up. He wanted to be with me. We had lots of unprotected sex. So i became pregnant, and the time came to tell him. My world fell apart that day. He told me that he had not left his girlfriend, and that also he had a low sperm count, so the baby must have been someone else's. I was devistated.There was no one else. i loved him.i was completeley broken. The man i loved and trusted turned to me and told me to piss off. He didnt want to know. So i went to tell my parents. A story which, had he still been there, would have been completely different. I would never have had to endure the hours of long talks about what i was going to do, how stupid i had been, how irresponsible i had been. I dont think i ever really heard any of it, until i went to the doctor, and he confirmed what i already knew. So by this time, I have fallen out with my mum, as i had decided to have the termination. Mum couldnt understand why I couldnt just weather it out and carry on, as she had with my alcoholic, drunk father for 14 years. I was in no place to be bringing a child into the world. I was 17, i had no qualifications, and was on a training course for young people, learning how to file. I had watched my mother sruggle everyday of her life with us, and had always vowed that i would never be the same. I wanted a child to feel loved and cherished, and want for nothing. And i could not provide that. So at just under three months,i went to the doctors, got given two pills, and told take one when you get home and one 12 hours later. Exactly what i did. i got on a bus two days later, on my own and went to the hospital 25 miles away, and was shown into the ladies ward. right next to the labour suite. I was given a pessary and an injection, to start off the contractions, and also then i was given some morphine, when the pain got so bad, i couldnt help but scream out. I passed the thing into a grey cardboard bowl. i cried, as i had never expected to see it. i felt so guilty. After 12 hours of painful "labour" it was all over. I had to go through it alone. i dont really talk to my mum because of that. I realise it was not her responsibility to help me cope with it. but she still should have. I had the 2nd when i was 21. Again I was seeing a man, older than myself, who was my supervisor in work. We got together at the xmas ball, and spent the night in a hotel in the city. after that, it was all very nice for a few weeks. Then he told me that he had a girlfriend. He wouldnt leave her as there were 'family ties'. I understood exactly what he meant, after all i had been in exactly the same place, only 4 years before. I struggled with my conscience, as I had always told myslef, that if i found myself to be pregnant again, I would keep it, as i had been so very devestated by the first. However, once again, i was not in a place to even think about having children. Yes i should have kept a 50p between my knees, but in reality, i had another situation to deal with. This time i switched off emtionally. I went to the local clinic, booked an appointment, had councelling, went to a special clinic this time, with other gulit ridden desperate faces, went in had an operation, and was back in work to days later. U know i never even told that bloke i was pregnant. I had been just about to tell him, when he dropped the clanger about having a girlfriend. i suppose it was a better reaction that perhaps what i would have recieved had i managed to tell him the news about being a father.